The story below happened around 4 years ago.
I have a friend named Judy. She is a Singaporean and has been living in Singapore since her birth. She is a Chinese girl and is as old as me. She has a pen-pal who is a Japanese girl (Yuu). They have been writing to each other for around a year. After a year, Yuu and her family migrated to Singapore. Through that one year, Judy and Yuu have developed strong friendship. So after Yuu had settled down, she invited Judy and me to her house for lunch.
On our way to Yuu’s condominium, Judy and I were very nervous. It was because that was the first time we went to a Japanese’s house. When we reached there, Yuu’s mother was preparing the lunch so we sat in the living room and chatted with Yuu. After a while, lunch was ready and we sat around a round table full of food. Judy and I dared not start eating until Yuu’s parents asked us to.
The foods were very delicious so Judy and I ate a lot until we were both stuffed. As we were very full, we stopped eating and thank them for such a nice meal. However, Yuu’s parents insisted that we eat more. Since we could not take in anymore, we declined their offer politely. But Yuu’s parents did not give up, they kept asking us to eat more. They smiled at us and asked us to continue eating. They said there are more foods in the kitchen and it is definitely enough for more. Judy started to be irritated, she had already had enough and she does not like to be forced. Despite the unwillingness, we thought we better eat abit more in order not to be rude to the hosts and it was the only solution to that. Therefore we put more foods on our plates and finished them somehow.
After that meal, Judy and I were bloated. We were both happy and disappointed. We were happy to have an opportunity to meet Yuu but disappointed to have been forced upon to eat more.
But it was later that we discovered that it is customary in Japan for hosts to insist on their guests’ taking more. Furthermore, to Japanese, it is considered good manners for guests not to accept an offer at first. Therefore the hosts will repeat their offers. If the hosts try to repeat an offer, we just have to decline politely without hurting their feelings. And after a few offers and declines, the hosts are sure that their guests are full and they will stop.
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10 comments:
hi jean,
I think that sometimes japanese cultures are a little hard to understand. From reading your blog, i also realized that singaporeans are a lot less cultural based than than other nationalities. For example in table manners, fewer families actually practice asking the parents to eat before them unlike in the past whereby it was traditional for chinese families.
I feel that in the future, we will also be less cultural based and traditional. However, it may not be a bad thing to vie away from being cultural based to adopt a more practical mindset.
Hi Jean
The scenario you described in your blogpost is not exclusive to the Japanese only. In fact, I feel that it is almost a common practice amongst many Chinese households in China. Like the Japanese, the Chinese usually extends their hospitality by inviting guests to their house and allowing them to eat to their hearts' content.
I attribute this practice to the fact that food can be used as a 'universal bonding tool', and bring down cultural barriers. Food can bring people of different cultural backgrounds together. By inviting people to savour your ethnic's cuisine, is like giving them the opportunity to be expose to your culture and origins. Naturally, a bond would then be formed between you and guest(s).
Guang Yi
Hi Jean,
I agree with Jiawei that the Japanese culture is not easy to understand. In fact, no one culture is easy to comprehend. Moreover, even if one is accustomed to a foreign culture, it could be difficult for him/her to revert and adapt his/her own culture. I remember during my trip to Japan, I got so accustomed to making slurping noises while eating my noodles that I found it hard to eat my noodles quietly in Singapore which inevitably invited stares from Singaporeans. In Japan, by making slurping noises while eating signifies that one is enjoying his/her food whereas, in Singapore it is considered ill-mannered to make loud sounds while eating.
I believe it is quite impossible to know every single tradition and customs of a country. Hence, no doubt researching and by enquiring can enhance one’s knowledge on different cultures, it is only through these encounters that we remember their culture.
Hey Jean,
Trying to understand other cultures is indeed no easy task. Just the culture of Japanese eating etiquette alone is complicatied and hard to understand. Upon reading up on Japanese etiquette, it seemed like there may be some measures to prevent the hosts from adding food to your plate. You can try to cover the bowls and dishes with their covers if there is or place your chopsticks down on the chopstick rest. That may cue your hosts to understand that you are full.
I also think it is always good to prepare by reading up on the cultures of the hosts before attending the meal so as to prevent any misunderstandings due to culture differences and most importantly, foster bonds with your hosts.
Hi Jean,
I fully empathized with your situation as Japanese would normally place huge emphasis on their cultural roots. As the host, I believe that they would not want to portray themselves as being stingy people and would usually try to offer as much as they could so as to make their guests feel satisfied with the meal. But contrary to that, the guest might not share the same sentiments as they were forced to eat even though their stomach could take it no further.
Therefore, it is good that we read up on the other party's cultural practices even before we made a visit to their place so as not to create any misunderstandings in the process. That small amount of effort that we put in can not only allow us to acquire more knowledge of their culture but also made it easier to initiate conversations in the midst of the dining session. I believe it will be a worthwhile cause since we can kill two birds with one stone. :)
Hey Jean,
What an interesting post! I agree with Jia Wei that the Japanese cultures are a little to hard to grasp. And because it is difficult to comprehend, all the more we should read up and know more about their cultures to prevent misunderstandings and uneasiness.
Understanding culture is a very profound knowledge. Something we should keep learning about.
But somehow, you and Judy did a good job. At the very least, you guys did not "offend" Yuu and her family.
Hey Jean,
the Japanese are really different from us Singaporeans and there are some things they do that we can never understand and find them pretty weird. On the whole, I feel they are very disciplined people who very particular of their outlook.
Like you said I never knew about this custom of offering food, however i do know that to the Japanese, your satisfaction of the food you eat is represented by the noises you make when you eat, all the slurping of noodles and loud burping etc.
Similarly, though we are talking about Japan but since we are talking about eating cultures, when I was in China, I realized that the local Chinese tend not to finish the food that is prepared. There would always be some food left behind and apparently finishing everything is rude (if i don't remember wrongly)
Hi Jean,
Interesting post!! I don't really realize that the Japanese had such culture. I believe that it is hard to know every country culture but it is interesting to hear about the uniqueness. We must try to learn and accommodate especially when we are in their country or they are here in Singapore.
I think that the case you mentioned here is not only applied to the Japanese, but I feel that Taiwanese also practiced such culture. I still remember during my trip to Taiwan, my relatives had prepared a feast for us. A real feast! They not only cook but they also buy from outside. And after we ate finished, they still serve us fruits and snacks. My family and I were very full at the end of everything. I feel that they just want to make sure that we had a nice and filling meal, also to introduce more Taiwan foods.
On the other hand, if they were to come to Singapore, we definitely will bring them to eat our local foods and make sure they have a great meal. :)
Hi Jean,
The Japanese are extremely hospitable and when they have guests over for meals, everything would be ensured to keep the guest satisfied, especially gastronomically. And they would even do so to the degree which you have mentioned. Although, this is strange to us Singaporeans, that you would force your guest to keep stuffing themselves, back in Japan, every Japanese is accustom to that practice and hence Japanese guest (having been accustomed with their own culture), would be well prepared to reject the food offer.
Thus it is not surprising that your friend Judy seemed to be troubled by that practice when she did not know how to deal with it the “Japanese way”. As Yuu’s family has just migrated over, they may find it hard to adjust to the casual Singaporean practice. In due time, they would understand our own cultural behaviours and will be slowly “assimilated”.
Dear Jean,
You post got me salivating at the thought of yummy Japanese food!
Just like the other course mates have mentioned, it would definitely be helpful if you had read up on the Japanese culture before the visit. Coming from a rather high-context culture, Japanese tend not to verbalize their intentions and thoughts. Therefore, on our part, we should make the extra effort, to learn and familiarize ourselves with their common practices. This is especially important, if we actually expect ourselves to meet Japanese clients in the near future as we enter the workforce. It is so as our interaction with them might well determine if we could actually clinch a business deal with them or not.
But I do agree with Jingyi, that you and Judy had indeed done a good job that day by displaying high EQ skills as you girls did not allow negative emotions to get the best of you!
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